Death in the Family

This morning my phone rang at about 7 a.m. and it was my mother. She had called last night and left a message, but I didn't call her back, thinking that she was calling because it has been a few days since the last time we talked. Instead, I found out that my Aunt Beverly passed away last Monday. She had been suffering from cancer for as long as I can remember, though I do not know if the cancer she had 10 years ago is the same cancer she suffered from recently. All in all, I know that that this death was a blessing because it was quick; not the long, drawn out, painful death the family had been expecting.

This morning when I got the news I was not surprised; in fact, I am still unsure how to feel. I was not all that close to Aunt Beverly, but she was always very kind to me and Renee. She was the second wife of my favorite uncle, who passed away about 3 years ago, and she continued to be very generous to me and my sister, even after Uncle Larry died. I am definitely thankful for the fact that she was sparred the pain we were expecting, but I am sad and concerned about her only daughter, my cousin Shelia. She can definitely take care of herself. She is self-reliant and pragmatic and has been preparing herself for this for a long time. I guess the thing I am most confused about is what to do now. Aunt Beverly did not want a funeral, so there is no where to go and pay my respects. She was cremated yesterday and wants her ashes to be spread in Mississippi where she was raised. As a catholic, this throws me for a loop. When someone passes away we go to mass, we say a rosary, we send flowers... we go through the motions that allow us to feel as if we are saying good-bye to the deceased and, at the same time, doing something to show our support for the bereaved family. But in this instance, I can't do any of those things. I can't go to a mass or say a rosary because Aunt Beverly wasn't catholic. I know can send flowers to Shelia or make a donation to the American Cancer Foundation in Aunt Beverly's name, but without a funeral I feel a little weird. Renee and I are going to send flowers together, and I am going to send a sympathy card today, but it still doesn't feel like enough.

Recently (as in last week), Aunt Bevery had decided to move to Oregon to be with Shelia and her husband Mark. Shelia moved a couple of years ago and wanted Aunt Beverly to move with her then, but Aunt Beverly didn't want to go. As they were packing everything up last week Jim, Uncle Larry's oldest son, drove in from North Carolina to "help" though he did little packing. Instead he canvased the house to decide what he wanted and to ask about what kind of money he and his siblings might be receiving after Aunt Beverly passed. As a child I looked up to Jim. I thought he was fun and cool, but as I have grown up I have realized what an ass he is. All of this stuff with Aunt Beverly has really made me realize how selfish and unreliable he is. I told John that whle Jim is a fun person to go drink with or co hang out with, as a supportive, reliable, role-model, he sucks!

I know that Jim is such a small part of this situation, but my emotion towards him is something concrete that I can latch onto. I know how I feel about him, which distracts me from the ambigious way I feel about Aunt Beverly's death.

I guess thats enough ranting for now. Until next time.